with 3 Comments

You may not believe it, but that was Tessa answering my prayer of desperation.

Tessa in Snow Storm 20`6I pleaded with her to breathe and make her little heart beat again when I felt her body laying there.

Even if it was just my imagination, it is still true for me.

And it comforts me so much to have heard her say it.

I loved her so so much!

I don’t know if I can or should write this.

If I continue, I’ll have to write between starts and stops of very wet eyes.

If nothing else, it may help me, to maybe understand — why, for whatever reasons, it was that she was snatched away from us at such a wonderful, beautiful, healthy, loving time of her life.

The memories — so soon after — are painful, though they do contain so much joy of so many good times.

I think the most difficult memories are of her eyes — how she’d cock her head and look up at me, wanting ever-so-much to know what I meant. Or how to let me know what she wanted.

I’ve been saying ‘I’ and ‘me’ because this is my blog.

But everywhere I say ‘I’ or ‘me’ I should say ‘our’ or ‘us’ — for my wife, Joy, is as much present in every one of them as I write.

Everything I do reminds me of Tessa. Like parking in the driveway, opening the door and telling Tessa, “Go to the house.  Go to mom.” She’d go to the edges of the lilac bush and wait for me. She’d wait because she always wanted to be with both of us.

On our hikes she’d come with me as I would go off into the woods to relieve myself. She’d stop to see if Joy was coming. She’d go back to Joy, then to me, back and forth, to see when we’d all get together again.

Joy says, and I believe it is true, that, “Tessa was sent to us by God. She had her assignement and she did it beautifully.”

There are just too many “coincidences” that make the prosaic “odds” against it seem silly.

Joy also said, “It had to be good for her to have been with us for it to hurt this bad!”

I am sure that you have gone through similar experiences and know what I mean.

If you haven’t I feel sorry for you.

Thanks so much for all your thoughts and prayers.

3 Responses

  1. Heidi Sparkes Guber
    | Reply

    Bill and Joy, our hearts are broken along with yours…. Tessa’s beautiful presence truly was such a special gift… We will miss her very much. Love, Heidi, Zev, Elizabeth and Nugget

  2. Katie
    | Reply

    Dad, I also believe that she was sent to you to add quality to your life, to cheer you on, to get you out doing what you love, to watch over you, to keep you safe, and love you, and to bring you and Joy closer. We will miss her, and may wonder why she was taken away so soon, but we can’t know. We can only cherish that she was part of us, and still is, just in a different way; a different arrangement of her energy.

    One thing I’ve observed in my recent experiences of death, is that guilt always appears, as if we can somehow control life and death. But you couldn’t have prevented her passing any more than you can guide the hand of God. Truly. But I think you already expressed this to me. Let go of those thoughts and allow Tessa to go forward. Her energy has rejoined with the vast and great unknown which we strive to be connected to, and there is joy in that. She is still part of us.

    I love you both and am keeping you in my thoughts today.

    • BackpackerBill
      | Reply

      You know, for you hiked a lot with her, too. Thanks for your thoughts.

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